Regrets

I try to live my life with no regrets but I am horribly flawed. There are a lot of things in life I know I should do, things I intend to do and things I avoid like the plague. Every new year I vow to improve some part of my life and then other things in life get in the way and ultimately the vow goes unfulfilled.  Every year I vow to be better at keeping in touch with family and friends; I vow to learn to meditate and get back into yoga; and I vow to be in a better position, financially, physically and emotionally. Every year I find myself swept up in day to day stresses, not keeping in touch with family and friends, not meditating or doing yoga and not in a better position than the year before, financially, physically and emotionally.

I’m bad at keeping in touch with people. Its not that I don’t value the relationships. Life gets busy and day to day stresses get in the way. And I don’t enjoy talking on the phone. I’d rather get quick updates by email or text and long updates in person. I’m bad at initiating conversations, networking and meeting new people. I’m quiet, contemplative and logical and very much an introvert. I would rather spend time writing, reading a good book, or watching a favourite TV show with my husband than socializing. That’s not to say I don’t enjoy spending time with family and friends. I just can’t handle large doses of social interactions.

There are a lot of things I wish I could be and a lot of things I wish I could do. And a lot of regrets when I let myself ignore the world and figuratively hide away under the covers with a book and a flashlight in hand, like a child avoiding bedtime. I wish I could change my nature. I wish I could be a social butterfly who enjoys hanging out all the time with family and friends. I wish I was comfortable talking for hours on the phone. I wish I was the type of person who had the confidence and know-how to advance my career to where I want to be. I wish I had stronger bonds with people and that I could feel a stronger emotional connection to life in general. I wish I could commune with nature and truly feel free.

I wish I could seize the day.

But I am horribly flawed.

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One thought on “Regrets

  1. Introversion is not a flaw. Read “Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can’t Stop Talking”. Eventually you will learn to be sociable when circumstances require it, but you will always have to be quiet and recharge after. Oddly enough, some of the most public people in history have been introverts. Ronald Reagan was called the 9 to 5 president because he would retire to his private quarters after hours, and eat his dinner in front of the TV, alone. I had problems with a lot of Reagan’s policies, but some people pilloried him for this. Knowing that he was an introvert made me a lot more sympathetic to him. He wore a mask. He acted all the time, sometimes badly. So do I, when I’m required to be gregarious, and sometimes badly as well. Johnny Carson ruled late night TV for 20 years, but at parties he would sit in the corner and practice card tricks. He had a string of failed marriages because after his public persona, he had nothing left to give in private. So learn about what you are, and knowing that, work from there.

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